Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Fall is here


It cooled off in what seems like one day. One day it was hot and the next night there was a cool chill in the air once the sun went down. Today it is raining and I'm enjoying the gloomy-ness that we don't get too often in Los Angeles. Isaiah and Noah put their slippers on in the morning and the moment they saw me put my rope on, that's when they've decided that MUST have their ropes every morning too. We go downstairs and have hot tea or smoothies as we wait for the rest of the world to wake up.

Isaiah and Halloween



Valerie passed down a fun Halloween book about a witch who moves into a house and one by one, gets rid of 10 ghosts. It's cute and sort of a mystery and helps the kids practice their numbers. I care about that, but they don't. What they like is to find the ghosts hiding in the house and Isaiah says he's scared until I ask if I should put the book away and then, no, he's fine. He asks where the book is each morning when I go get him out of his crib. He talks about the witch and the ghosts and the spiders all day. He asks to go visit the witch around the corner at a house with lots of Halloween decorations. There are a few ghosts and the "black" ghost, as Isaiah calls it, screams. Isaiah says, "Black says AHHHHH!!!!" There is another ghost who he claims says, "Isaiah, I want you." Not sure where he got that but it's cute none the less.

Martha's Vineyard


The kids love the beach. I love the fresh air but worry about them running into the water without me. I guess because I always need something to worry about. Living in LA, we really should go to the beach more than we do, which is never. We go to the beach when we are out of town. Funny.

The weather girl


So Noah, Noah, Noah. Noah likes to tell me she's hot so she can open her window in the car or hot in bed so she can be naked save for her panties. I don't buy it. Maybe sometimes, but mostly I think it's her trying to be in control of herself and struggling with the fact that she's four and mommy is in charge. She's rarely cold, always hot or itchy. Because either of these ailments allows her to change her clothes, and this is something that she's been trying to do since she was two. So yesterday after I pick her up from school we are driving over to her dance class and she tells me, "I'm hot." I nod because she's always telling me she's hot. Then she says, "I'm hot. I think we are getting close to the equator." You can't argue with that.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Good Hair




Noah's hair has been an evolution. As i notice that a whole year has passed since a birthday or holiday I notice that Noah has more hair and it's even more curly. It's beautiful and it is defiently her glory, other than her spirit. She is complimented daily about her curls. But she still asks every once in a while for it to be straight. It takes more work that I ever imaged to keep it tame - which isn't really my objective. Even if it's wild, which she loves, I want it to be "done." I want her to learn to take pride in her apperance and that your hair is something you do everyday - although I'm teaching her something I dont practice - since it's 1pm and I still haven't brused my hair.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Noah doesn't usually get spanked, but...


One of the problems I've always had with Noah is that she is sneaky and I couldn't like it less. I work so hard in hopes that she will understand how destructive and offensive it is to be sneaky. So yesterday after we get home from Marcella's house I ask the kids, as I always do, to wash their hands as soon as we get in the house. Noah comes in and tells me she washed her hands. I'm no genius, but I know she couldn't have possibly washed her hands in the 30 seconds she walked back to the bathroom. I ask her again to go wash her hands. She then walks back out and tells me she's washed her hands. I know she hasn't washed them yet, mostly because four-year-olds are not good at lying. But she's curious and asks me how I knew. I say that Im a mommy and I know everything, which I do. And she clever too and asks, "It's cause you didn't hear the water, right?" And I nod knowing full well what she's about to do next - because I am a mommy and I know everything. Sure enough she goes into the bathroom, climbs on the stool and turns the water on for a few beats and then turns it off. She's not too good at being sneaky because I am standing in the door way watching her. So I ask again, "So, you washed your hands?" And she says that yes she has, and that's when she gets the little underhanded spank right below her but check and I explain that mommy is no fool. This upsets her but later that night when I ask her why she got in trouble and she tells me, "Because I tried to fool you." Hopefully she'll get it this time.

I also wanted to include what she said over a year ago. This was also written on a piece of paper that I haven't had a chnace to enter for over a year. When Noah was a little under three she was about to do something that would land her in a heap of trouble. Her daddy tries to stop her and she assures him it's okay because when mommy finds out, "Then I'll say sorry."

Noah Grace on Sarah Palin


About a year ago Broderick told me about an experience he had with Noah will watching the news. He felt compelled to write it down because I had told him of a similar experience I had with Noah. Broderick thought it was so unbelievable that if he didn't write it down word for word then me and everyone else would think he fabricated the story, or at least exzaggerated. So this is what he wrote on the paper over a year ago. Noah was barely 3 at the time and that's how long it has taken me to get to the bottom of a stack of papers that's been sitting on my desk.

Here's the setting, Noah and Broderick are watching MSNBC and they show footage of the notorious Sarah Palin interview.

Noah, "She's going to be hard to talk to."
Daddy, "How do you know?"
Noah, "We are going to find out."

A moment, then..
Noah, "Daddy, you can't watch this everyday."

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Photo Shoot

Monday, September 14, 2009

Circus Circus


They had to stop the ride. Isaiah hated it and I have to admit, it was way too fast for a child Isaiah's height. He rode his frist ride in the Vineyard this summer and loved it, but leave it to Vegas to take it too far.

Sonic Boom



So I heard my first sonic boom. Friday afternoon around 6, right as playgroup was ending I went up stairs to get something or check for something on the computer and a all of a sudden a large blast came from outside. I first though I was going to look outside and see that one of the kids had fallen off of something (which doesn't make any sense, but as a mom I'm always worried about danger.) or that maybe one of the kids had kicked a ball into the metal around the water heated that is attached to the house. I looked out the windows and everyone was safe so i forgot all about it until Fanahi mentioned it a few days later. I'm not really sure why I think it's so cool - but I loved having witnessed it. Apparently the space shuttle was supposed to land in FLorida but the weather was bad so it was diverted to right outside of Los Angeles.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Today



Today Broderick and I tried to clean out the garage, I say tried because we were naive to think we'd get it done in one day. Anyway, I woke up this morning thinking Ms. Martha was going to be at our house any minute and I would let B keep the kids in bed so I could sneak in the guest room and get a little more sleep to make up for getting home at 1am and than lying awake until 2am thinking about the guy who tried to break into our house while we were gone. Broderick came in with my breakfast. He made me chocolate chip pancakes, my favorite. Ms. Martha never came and we got busy in the garage, The kids played outside. They played in the garage with stuffed animals in Easter baskets whom they called their babies. I was also called the monster and was told to say, "Oh no you can't." after Noah said, "We're going to get away from you." After loosing their water bottles in the garage and climbing over things that were probably a little too dangerous, Noah decided to put on her bathing suit and run around in the water. Isaiah got naked because he doesn't like soggy diapers (I don't remember Noah caring about this.) Once Isaiah got naked, Noah wanted to be naked. He wants to do what she's doing because he thinks she the best thing since breast milk and Noah wants to copy him because he's getting more attention than her or because she doesn't want him having some privlege or thing that she doesn't.

I could...




I could sit at this desk all night and try and capture and hold on the moments with my kids. I wish I could write more of it down, mostly because I think I'm in one of the most amazing times of my life and I want to be able to look back when they're on their own and remember all the little stuff. I really love the little stuff.

Happy Halloween



It's hard to believe, when I look at these pictures, that it's been a year since the afternoon we visited Mr. Bones. And that in about a month we'll be going again, except the kids will so much more grown than the last time. Noah says she wants to be a dragon this year and Isaiah (who I almost called Jonathan) wants to be a bumble bee again. We looked through a catelog of costumes and Isaiah wasn't interested and just kept asking to be a bee regardless of the book. Noah looked through the book and thought it over - so like the two of them. I know contimplation is an age thing, but Noah weighs decesions more heavily than Isaiah. Isaiah goes with the flow and Noah tries to control the flow.

Fair



I was thinking about how every time I post a picture of Isaiah or Noah, I immediately go back into my file and look for a shot of the other one. I think it has to do with having a trio of siblings who accused my mom of not being fair. I really try to be fair with my kids. And I see now that my mom didn't have a favorite. I mean she sort of does, even more now that than. She has this special thing for my brother. She never complains about something he's done like she does about me to my sister or to my sister about me. And she worries about him more. But I know now because I'm finally a real adult in the same situation that she never has or never can love one of us more than the other. She might find one of us easier in certain circumstances, but she loves us all the same. The funny thing is that I'm having this thought about "fair" and I realize one of the pictures I just choose was from the fair. Ha.

The difference between



The difference between being a mom and being a free woman is that when you hear of some awful atrocity that has happened you, as a mom, instantly imagine your child in that situation. As a free woman each happening on the nightly news doesn’t keep you up at night with anxiety. And no matter how many times I, as mom, read or remember to let worry go and that it does nothing but put in you in a sate of fear, I still have anxiety. I know this fear isn’t going to stop anything that is meant to happen, but it’s there all the same. And each decision I make regarding my children feels more weighted. When my daughter asks me to do something I pause for a moment before I consider if what she’s asking for is appropriate and I access the safety of where she’ll be, who she’ll be with and what could happen… worst case scenario. I often feel like I’m crazy because I worry about them all the time. And honestly it might not be all worry; I think a big part of parenting is the weight we carry around because we have such enormous responsibility. I am not only responsible for the nourishment, hygiene, and comfort of another person; I am also responsible for what they become and how they see the world. I’m responsible for keeping them alive and keeping them on the path to a well-adjusted adult. It’s momentous. It’s amazing too. Tonight, as I was rubbing Noah’s back as she slept on the trundle for the first time because her little brother was sleeping in the bed for the first time I realized that I’m living one of the best times of my life. I really love being a mom, and I’m sad about how fast they are growing. I know, though that if it was going any slower I would be nuts. The beauty in the labor of child rearing is that it is incredibly fleeting. The precious moments seem to pass even faster. My happiness comes from realizing how cherish these regular moments of them climbing out of the bath tub for the first time without having to be held or told exactly what to do. Noah just climbed out when she was done with her bath and dried off. It’s when doing a mundane daily thing, you see that they’ve grown and who they were yesterday is lost in time. I know we all change everyday and grow, hopefully for the best, but in childhood our children loose a little innocence everyday in exchange for more independence. Isaiah asked me tonight, as I was rocking him to sleep (something I try to do as often as I can) if he could sleep in Noah’s bed. He didn’t really ask, he just told me he wanted to sleep in Noah’s bed. Noah is old enough now to ask for things as opposed to informing me of her desires. And when I walked in later to put Noah down, my stomach flopped when I saw the crib was empty. He’s older than Noah was when she climbed out of the crib, so I know he’s ready according to “what the books or our pediatrician would say” Honestly, I think I’m going to keep him in the crib for a while longer. I’m not sure if he’ll try to get up if he wakes up, so maybe he’s not completely ready. Maybe he's still my little baby.

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Doodles in August


She jumps, she swims...


and she sings. Noah does it all. She is a real little person with questions and ideas and very senstive feelings, but with the suborness of her daddy. We went to breakfast yesterday and she had pancakes. I asked her to eat like a lady and that she had to use her fork and hot her fingers (like every other mom with a four year old) and she looked me inthe eye and picked up a pancake piece and ate it. We took her panckaes away and told her she had to appologize if she wanted the rest of them. She wouldn't. She waited hours. It wasn't until she woke up from her nap that she was ready to appologize and when she did she asked for her pancake.

This picture is from last month at her swimming classes. She is offically a fish.

Making wishes


This was taken the weekend before last when we were in Dana Point for a wedding.

Top Ten Things I Love About My Kids This Week:

1. To listen to Noah sing and wonder how she learned all the words.
2. The way Isaiah asks for a hug if you've just given him a kiss, "A hug too."
3. The way Noah pretends to be a snow tiger and Isaiah pretends to be a bird (except when they lick me.) She crawls around and wants to be pet and he jumps on me and says, "Chrip, Chirp" and pretends to eat bird seed.
4. When Isaiah thinks he sees nana's house and says, "My grandma is in there," and Noah informs him that he's wrong, "She's at home in Las Vegas."
5. To watch them swim. They're both so good at it and love it so much. Although I'm beat from all the catching and racing around the pool to hold and help them.
6. To see them sleeping when I check on them at 10pm, 11pm, and 6am - like a stalker.
7. When Isaiah says out of the blue, "I love you too."
8. When Noah tells me my dress or hair is beautiful. She told me the other day I had hair like Ariel from The Little Mermaid.
9. To see them sitting on the couch with their daddy watching Noggin or Sunday Morning Politics.
10. To hear them have full on conversations in the back of the car or in their bedroom at night.

Golly, gee I love the heck out of them!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Blessings... every night.


Tonight after keeping Isaiah up way too late partly due to having friends over and partly because he was having such a good time running around in my t-shirt with Noah and Ali, until he threw milk on every body - but I digress. So tonight at bed time with one of the biggest boo-boos he's every had like a hickey across his belly, we say our prayers (Our Father) and then stretches his hands out with spirit fingers and says "I bless Ali, Jonathan and Johnny." He's so sweet about 95% of the time and the other 5% he's a two-year old boy who jumps and runs and pushes it as far as he can.

My kids, the cats.



Noah does not want a pony or a unicorn or even a princess dress (well, she already has the princess dress.) What Noah wants is a small dog or cat and after a visit to the vet where she had the privilege of meeting about ten kittens, she now wants a kitten, or a cat for that matter. And since we didn't get her a cat, she has become a cat and has convinced her brother that he is a cat too. They meow. They ask for milk. They pretend to scratch. They crawl around and hide in their cat house. They have cat names. Noah is either Princess Flores Kitty or Princess Ada Kitty. Isaiah is Spike. They answer with "meows," and curl up on my lap and ask to be pet. Isaiah also pretends he's a shark and tries to bite me when he kisses me. I much prefer him as a kitten.

The DIfference...


The difference between mommies and daddies is when mommies get home from date night they go straight to check on the babies and when daddies get home they go straight to the bath room. Every time.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Grand Daddy Derf Does Stop

Just LIke Mommy



I have a few minutes before the kids wake up from their naps. And yes, I'm trying to get Noah's four-year-old self to nap until she's 18. The dogs are barking like they're mad, not angry but crazy and I need a shower. Play group starts in 45 minutes and thank goodness, I'm not hosting. I am hosting a pantyhose party tonight. Which should be nice and it'll be a treat to treat my friends to all the sweet treats of dessert wine and dessert. So this is Noah at four years and a couple of months. She is a pure delight, save for a few times a day when she pulls on me and I have to let her know, "I don't like having my _____ pulled or pinched or stepped on." I used to wonder back when she was in the heat of her terrible twos, where are all the delightful moments? I remember weighing everything and thinking that the majority of the time I'm just a laborer for the family (the kids, the dogs, Broderick.) The rest of the time was split between shear frustration and anxiety with delight peppered in just enough to keep me on the safe side of crazy. But I have to say that the moment, to the day, that Noah turned four - it all changed. She understands consequences, she is able to communicate what she needs and finally has the ability to connect her good behavior with a happy home and a peaceful mommy. I think it's partly due to Ms. Martha and me having the time to properly discipline and support each of my children. I also think I'm more laid back as the mother of a second child and I truly believe that me and Broderick are co-captains of Team Johnson, although I'm really more of the captain and he's the co, but whatever. I feel supported, and appreciated by everyone in this house - well except for the dogs whom I have got to find the time to play with. Anyway, this is Noah a few weeks ago at swim class. She's a swimmer. I would still be in the pool with her, but she can swim across the pool on her own! We're so proud of her courage to try new things. Dang, these dogs bark ALOT!!

See, I give him cupcakes....




Isaiah and his itchy, bumpy self. This was taken in June when we were in Rhode Island. I discovered these cupcakes at my favorite of favorite places - Whole Foods, or as my sister-in-law calls it, Whole Paycheck. She ain't lying. For the last 2 weeks, we've had Isaiah on a very strict diet - in stick I mean, mostly hotdogs and soy milk, why? Well because those are about the only two things that are NOT processed in plants that also process nuts or diary. After over a month of agonizing visits to the fourth allergist we've determined Isaiah is allergic to dairy, eggs, nuts, which we knew. We did not know he was also allergic to mushrooms, mustard, pineapple (which is used to sweeten everything natural,) corn (which is used in everything also,) oats (something we used to rely on for a basic breakfast.) Oat flour is also in a lot of stuff including most lotions since it can be calming on everybody but Isaiah. He's also allergic to sweet potato, salmon, sunflower which is a natural oil that is in a lot of items you'd never expect, but in about every dry snack from animal cookies, to chips and oh, a few other things. There is a list on the refrigerator that lists everything Isaiah can eat and it fits on an index card. The list of the things he can't have is short and sweet and has the 10 or 12 items I mentioned above and a note that says, *DON'T FEED ISAIAH ANYTHING FROM OUTSIDE THIS HOUSE. When we go to Lego Land or Playgroup, I watch him like my life depends on it - even a bite of something seemingly innocent could throw this month's trial off. The goal of this month is food elimination - so we can figure out what else other than diary, eggs and nuts he should stay away from. But so far, as I suspected, his skin isn't any better. In fact the day he started his diet he contracted some viral rash that covered his body with hundreds of tiny itchy bumps. Nothing relieved the itching except a very strong steroid - which I held off giving him for a week until I just could take all the blood in his crib and on his clothes from his scratching. He's finally doing better and we are all relieved, I just wish he didn't have these allergies. It helps to remind myself that of all the difficult issues that children can have, this is one that I can handle. It's a pain in the butt and most people don't understand how serious I am until I explain - if he has peanuts he could be dead in 2 minutes - that sort of gets folks to pay attention. But this is the least of so many evils.

Big Nana




I've had some memory problems, both in life and with my computer. I finally got it sorted out. These were taken when my mom and I took the kids to Rhode Island for my cousin's wedding. These were taken at the home where my mom grew up. I wish I could write, in detail, what this day was like but so many things have happened since then. Nothing big or momentous, well maybe a few momentous things, but mostly just a lot of trips to pick Noah up from school. I've been to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods about six times each. There's been doctor's appointments, a trip to Washington State for a girl's trip and a bunch of meetings with contractors and our architect as well as endless phone calls catching up with old friends ala Face Book or supporting friends in need. Yesterday I had a police officer, two guys delivering a mattresses and box spring, a woman picking up the old mattress and box spring, my neighborhood workout, the guy washing our cars and getting Noah off to school all in the span of an hour. I feel most days I don't know who is ringing my doorbell or calling me, emailing me or texting me and am afraid of what they need and dread the amount of time and energy it's going to take to get them what they want or need. With all the help from friends, family and our nanny, I still could use a personal assistant. Up until now I'd been outside measuring space and researching storage sheds and planning on laying concrete and a day to clean out the garage. The good life is good - but it takes a lot of behind the scenes stuff to keep it in place and pretty.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Adam Henry








On Wednesday we lost a very dear friend, Adam Henry. Adam was more than a friend; he was Broderick’s brother. And not a brother for which fate connected him to, but the type of brother he found and kept for 23 years. The ancient Greeks believed that the most pure relationship is friendship. Real friendship is the only occasion when two people come together for no other reason than because they enjoy each other. We are made by design to procreate. Spouses and children bring us great joy, but family is a necessary relationship. When we find true friends we bring them into our life as an indulgence. Aristotle believed in perfection, friendship cannot subsist without perfect mutual knowledge, and only between the good; hence it is not possible for anyone to have many real friends. Adam, Jimmy and John share in Broderick’s mutual knowledge. It’s taken seven years of being with Broderick to believe the loyalty he has between his brothers. Which is why Adam’s passing is going to be as hard on Broderick as a loss can be. I am also lucky enough to call Adam my friend. He is my favorite (sorry fellas,) probably because he didn’t yet have a wife or children and could spend the kind of time on the phone, on the porch or over a New York dinner that other men can’t. Yesterday I thought I had got most of the sadness out, but then tonight it curled back up inside me. I think pain, the kind that comes from loss, comes in like waves. There are moments in the day when I’m not thinking about Adam at all, and then he slowly comes back to mind and then it’s like I just remember, as if I’d forgot, that he’s gone. Sometimes I’m okay with knowing he’s gone, but those are usually the times when I’m in disbelief or denial. And then when it really dawns on me that he’s gone and I realize Jimmy and Broderick have lost a part of themselves without any warning I get so sad I need to sneak off and let it all out. I cry because I miss him, but I cry also because we all miss him. I cry because if it hurts me this bad and I’ve only known this good man for seven years how must it feel to his father, how must it feel to Jimmy and Broderick? And although Adam had a full life, by his own design, I still want him here not so much because he missed out on any of life’s pleasures, because he didn’t. I want him back out of greed for the joy he bought to our lives.

Last night when I was feeling a little too sad about Adam’s death I started to convince myself that the last few days hadn’t happened, instead I flash forward to Adam living in South Africa with Rania. He has built his life there and Broderick and I just aren’t in as good of touch anymore. It feels better than imaging our life without him. In the deepest sense that’s where I think his spirit is now. Adam was brave enough, in life, to do what we wanted so I imagine now with all the powers of his spirit he is doing exactly what he wants. He was a great friend to a lot of people. His Facebook page has posts from people all over the world wishing him a peaceful transition.

On Wednesday night after I had put the kids to bed Broderick called with an update. The news I was expecting was something like a new kind of treatment or a rough road ahead that would lead us back, like it always did, to a healthy Adam. What Broderick told me instead was that he would die in 24 hours. I had to ask him, “Did you say 24 hours?” Even after he told me twice I thought I had heard wrong. In the middle of this conversation with tears rolling down my face Noah walked in my room. She was scared to see me so sad and within a few seconds was crying herself. She asked me was I was crying and I told her it was because I was lucky enough to really love a good person. That calmed her down, and as she took some purple flowers from a vase in my room to give to me she said, “Mommy you have everything you need in your heart. You only need two things. You need God and you need a tissue."

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Happy Mother's Day - A letter to my girlfriend who isn't sure if she can do it




























Motherhood.

Yes, you can do it. You of all people can do it because you’re kind, full of life and truth. It’s not easy and if you do it you have to constantly be working and reworking life (you) to stay sane. It will also force you to decide what type of mother you want to be and deal with who your mother is to you. The great truth is that you can be any type of mother you want to be. The only rule, other than feeding them and keeping them out of the street and away from MTV, is to be happy. The most important thing you can do for your children is be happy and let them see the truth of the days when you’re not. My kids see me cry, they’ve seen me get so upset that I’ve had to take a time out myself and go into my room and calm down. Having the kids around gives me the strength to go the extra mile to fight fair with my husband or the asshole trying to merge on the freeway. It’s easy to be a jerk to your spouse when no one is watching, but when you realize you’re teaching them how to argue, cope and behave you get your act straight a lot faster than you would have otherwise. You can be lazy and not shave your legs but you just aren’t lazy anymore with the important stuff. But sometimes you won’t do it right and you’ll feel so guilty for yelling or having to have resorted to spanking (the kids, not the husband) and then you learn the lesson of forgiveness. At the end of the day if I feel like I have been honest with Noah and Isaiah and treated myself right, than I know I’ve done a good job. Jenny McCarthy in all her infinite wisdom said her biggest mommy ahah moment was that all her son needed from her was to just be. They don’t need organic food, they don’t need the best preschool, the best blah, blah, blah. What they need is you; Just you to sit and see them and be with them in a moment. And those moments are what make everything worth it, so worth it you might consider chasing the high with another baby. And I often feel like an alcoholic, not because I sometimes depend on wine to ease me into the moment and out of my to-do list, but because the way I survive is to take “it” one day at a time. If I look at the week and count all the diapers, and baths, and time outs and sibling rivalry, I’ll get overwhelmed and start fantasizing about running away with gypsies. But I haven’t run away yet and although my hands look like they’re 20 years older than I am because of constant washing, I’m the best me I’ve ever been. I’ve also developed these flat, wide, duck feet from being barefoot with the kids all the time, not so sexy but I have better balance. But as usual, I digress. Mothering forces you to look at yourself and get rid of the shit you don’t want to pass on to your children, since you can’t be prefect (although I sometimes almost kill myself trying) you also accept the stuff about you that is really okay like disarray and the occasional fast-food meal or that I have a ton of real issues that will probably go with me to the grave. In my greatest moments of clarity, which don’t come often, I see myself as perfect because of all my flaws and a better mom and person because of them. Mothering will make you aware of everything except where you left your keys or if you brushed your teeth yet today. You just start getting “it.” And some days it’s just a cliché but other days I feel it in my bones and the “it” is that all that matters is your family. Being a mom is the bullshit cold turkey. When you have a baby, a child, you don’t have the time or energy for bullshit. You can’t and won’t deal with the drama of girlfriends or family. None of the drama is that important anymore, and when you are faced with real issues like the reality of childhood diseases, predators and all the other million things that will keep you awake at night you have very little tolerance for bullshit whether is someone else’s or your own. I used to be so concerned about what other people were doing. Now I spend all that mental energy and time on the two people I brought into this world, not because I’m so enlightened, but because I have to.

There’s a quote I love that says something like, the decision to have a child is momentous, it’s like deciding to walk forever with your heart on the outside of your chest. Being a mom will make you so vulnerable and whenever a child is hurt or in need it will break you’re heart wide open. Oprah becomes harder to watch and injustice will frustrate you more than you could imagine. You’ll be more patient with the mother on the plane with the crying baby and want to run back there and help her. You do get an all access pass to a special group of woman. I was a judgmental little wench before Noah and Isaiah, and I still have a way to go, but I can step in other people’s shoes so much easier than before babies. I’ve realized all of us, especially mothers, are doing the best we can and the last thing we need is someone judging us. I can’t express in words how difficult “it” can be at times. In fact no one has any real idea of how hard it is until they’re right in the middle of it and it’s way too late to change their mind. Pregnancy is hard, labor is insane and parenting is the toughest thing anyone could ever do. I say parenting, but I really mean mothering. Mothers have more support from our husbands than we’ve ever had. We’ve lost a lot of community support that we used to get from family and friends. But you’d be a fool to believe that having a child with a man is 50/50. If you’re lucky and work everyday to motivate you may aspire for 80/20. Every day is a mental marathon that pushes you to your furthest limits just to prove to yourself that you can handle anything, and you can. I used to think the reason to have children was to send my love and ideals into the future, but I don’t feel like that so much anymore. I think having a child or children is a tool that God uses to fine-tune all my mess. Sanity was second nature to me before, but these days I have to work hard to not disappear, to drink enough water, to remember to eat, to not feel like an idiot around working women and to remember we’re just here to love and be loved. I’ve also realized that no matter how much we think we love our mothers it’s a drop of water in the ocean of love they have for us.

So, you can do it and you’ll struggle but you’ll grow and you’ll make friends who you think will make the struggle easier and then shake them because you were wrong. Then you’ll make new friends or reconnect with old ones. You’ll start floating through life a lot less concerned where you’ll end you and focus instead on the scenery. You’ll find your groove only to have them grow out of whatever stage was driving you nuts into something else equally as challenging. You’ll read books, you’ll hire help and if you decide to do it alone, you’ll hire a lot of help. You’ll write and continue being you because that’s the best example for any little girl or boy is to see their mom be a kick ass woman living her dream. You’ll be great and when you think you’re not (which you will, we all do,) you’ll call one of the club members and cry and moan and we’ll tell you you’re crazy, you’re the best mom ever.