Thursday, September 8, 2011

Chinese Silk

What is Micah up to? I've had to really make an effort to spend more time with him and that's not because he's hard - it's the exact opposite. It's because he's so easy. It's because I'd rather take the hard job (the two older ones, or dealing with repair people - which happens at an annoying rate!) So I'm trying something new, I'm starting to boss Ms. Connie around more and be firm - I figure that if I'm not going to a place called work I'm going to have it all go as close to what I'd prefer as possible. One of the other things I've learned lately is that I"m going to do what's right, but first and foremost I;m going to do what's best for my family and what's best for me - I looked around and it seems that's what everybody else is doing and I feel like a fool lover here trying to do the right things which is ALWAYS the harder road. So, Isaiah isn't going to lame basketball practice on Wednesday, if his coaches were better and the Y was closer - than maybe I would feel differently - but the Y is a good 30 to 35 minutes away and his coaches SUCK, as sweet as they are - they suck and it's a waste of my time and his so he's going to play on Saturday and not go to practice ala Alan Iverson. It's what's best for me, so for now, it's what's best for him. Ok, back to Micah who is nine months and starting to stand up and tonight was body slamming his chest into the crib - which was a little like some crazy horror movie. He's a strong boy who doesn't cry very often and smiles a lot and who will be even more cute when those rashes disappear completely from the side of his face. Golly, I love these kids as crazy as they make me - God, just grant me a little more patience, please.

As for Isaiah

Wouldn't it be nice to sit here even just a few nights a week, maybe even with a glass of wine and capture some of the random moments of the day. It might help my memory and I always find it satisfying to write down a little bit about these fleeting moments. I swear I'll remember a look or a way they pronounced something, but I don't because their are so many beautiful and frustrating things happening everyday. I won a bike helmet today - funny and random, right and not really about Isaiah but there's not enough time to keep my own journal so I will tuck little things I think and feel into their journal - because for now it's all about them. And I'm not doing all this stuff for them, not really. All the things I do are for me because I feel it's best for them - what they really want is to watch TV all day and drink fake juice from juice boxes and eat chips. But I'm a mommy and can't let that happen - so I drag them to the beach and on walks and make them sit down and force them to listen to me read them a story when all they really want is to jump around and yell and scream and push each other or hug on Micah. SO what did Isaiah do today - so much. Well today was his first day in the Peaceknicks, he's no longer a squirrel. He's officially a big boy. I had to think today of the peacenicks nap and they do, in fact he'll nap in Kindergarten too with Fanahi who is going to favor the hell out of him and I don't mind one bit. He will have a better self esteem because he is loved by her, and that will make him a better person and a kinder man. One of my jobs is to make sure they have access to the people that love them for that very reason. My kids and all kids actually, need to see the joy on people's faces when they walk in the room and I can say my kids have that. They have people who care about what they have to say. These days Isaiah is into Lightening McQueen and it's not because he loved Cars 2, he didn't. In fact, he feel asleep and so did I. I'm guessing one or a few of the kids at Happyland at into Cars 2 and he got sucked in with them - it's cute how he makes this racing sound and wants ot tell us over and over again about how fast he is and how he's the fastest and how whenever he sees a brightly painted car he assumes it's a race car even if it's Mini Cooper. He talks loudly and often - and I have guilt from wanting to tell him to hush for a bit so I can hear a song or just zone out because soon enough I'll be pulling the words out of him which is what I already feel happening with Noah who has always seemed older than she is. Always. The last few days Isaiah will tell me he has a surprise for me just when he can sense that I'm at my witts end with the tow of them and he comes to me and kisses me on my lips and it works - it softens me every time. Noah is learning to apologize when she had made me mad and when I ask her today why she was apologizing she said, "Because I don't want to be in trouble." Which was good enough for me.

First Days

Today is what, umm. Thursday. So the first day of school was the day before yesterday. The summer came and went so fast we didn't have the time to do all the things on the lists of things we wanted to do this summer. Noah made it during her last week of kindergarten with me at King's Road while we shared a breakfast sandwich on our way up to Community. I feel a little guilty, but we had a good summer - but it's all happening to fast - the days pass with blinks of my eyes. My head hits the pillow and it's morning. So the question becomes, how do we slow it all down. Do less. Get frustrated less, worry less, be patient more - do they have a pill for that. There's definitely a mantra for that. Anyway, back to Noah and her first day. WHen I picked her up yesterday at the same bus route (with a promise to myself to always be on time this year,) I was excited to hear how her first day went and lamenting yet again that the summer flew by. I stood by the door happy to see Yasmyn and Ali from Happyland there too, to find Noah hot, baret in and sweater in her backpack, sweaty and grouchy because she was worn out. She did say, "First grade is WAY easier than kindergarten." Which made me laugh and I knew that Fanahi would be happy to hear that she was so tough! She also was excited to be in the same class with Leila who she said this year was def. her BFF and she used that, BFF. Noah is smart and picked up on how Leila was more receptive to her and I was proud of my daughter for being able to read people. She seems to like her teacher and when I asked her how her day went she said, "Andre took a picture of me." ANdre is the 3rd or 4th grader who when he showed up to the garage sale last May Noah pulled me aside and said, "I like him," not really knowing what that meant but knowing that she thought he was different than the other boys and girls she liked at school. When I saw him my first thought was, good, he's cute! I just got all three of them down with plans on how to make it more efficient tomorrow night - which is what I do with everything. Oh no, Micah is back up - returning from China has thrown him off, or maybe it's the heat, or the air conditioner, or he's teething - who really knows.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Noah's reading...

She's been reading for a while now. But these days, she's really reading. I wonder what she'll be. I wonder what she'll struggle with in school. I wonder what will be her favorite subject. I think mine was math - but I can't really remember. It probably had more to do with a good teacher than anything else. I wonder if she'll really go to The City School. For now she enjoys telling people what to do. She enjoys holding, burping, and picking at Micah. Micah's crying so I'm done for tonight. Glad to have had the few moments and catch the magic.


Noah is a week away from being six. I feel like she just turned five, and I know that's what all us moms say. But it's true. The time is flying and I can't seem to stop it. The one way I've figured out a way to slow things down a bit is to cook with the kids - even if it takes me twice as long. I was reminded of this last week while Noah was on the computer looking at old videos of her as a baby. These videos are too hard for me to watch because I don't remember her that way and it stirs the fear that I won't remember her this way either and the way she is now is so wonderful I want to hold on to it - but I know the best we can hope for is for all of us to grown old. Anyway, I digress again about how life is too short. I can't help it, it's on my mind all the time. So back to last week hen Noah was watching a video of herself at 3 which is HALF the age she is now. She was washing the dishes or at least she thought she was. She was standing at the sink and pouring water from one cup to another and there were bubbles and she was pleased to be in the kitchen with me. Most nights when I cook she asks to help. Isaiah asks too and I'm usually in such a mad dash to get everyone fed so we can move on to the next thing which is baths that I say no and rush through it. But tonight I remembered how happy Noah was in the video washing the dishes so I asked for her help. I asked her to cut mushrooms. I needed them cut and cutting is something they both aspire to do. Mushrooms can be cut with a butter knife, safe enough for me. So there they stood, Noah on the stool, Isaiah on the Ikea child chair that's falling apart. They were both so proud of themselves. I was proud of me too. I was proud to be in the kitchen (one of my favorite places,) making Italian food with my favorite people. I was proud that I remembered what was important and choose it over the task at hand - cook and feed folks. I had to watch Isaiah who kept trying to eat the bacon - but that's nothing new. I have to remember to cook with them more often. I pray they remind me.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Good LIfe

So today, Wednesday, is like all the other Wednesdays. It's the day that I promise myself I'll get to bed by 9pm. That the exhaustion that I've been fighting all day will sweep me off my feet and I won't have a choice but fall deeply asleep early enough to remain sane in all the night's disruptions. It's also the day that I"ll get the kids to bed by 7pm so that we'll have time for stories and prayers and songs and cuddles and kisses. It's the night I'll walk out of the kid's room at 7:15 and have two hours to have a conversation with Broderick and do this - write something about the day that will fade from my memory by the morning. It's the day Ms. Connie won't be up until 8:30 in the kitchen cleaning up our mess so I won't feel guilty or lazy. But it's not this day - it's a version of all the other days. It's a Wednesday. The kids have gymnastics and although I dream about having dinner ready before I leave for the stinky gym so that when we walk in the door at 6 a real meal will be hot and ready for us. Of all the dreaming and planning I do about how the day should flow, one would guess that I'd have it down - but I don't. The truth is that although it's not the day I plan for, it's the day I'm grateful for. It's another day with my family safe. It's another day where there's clean water and good food. It's another day with the helpful hands of Ms. Connie. It's another day in this beautiful house. It's another day without an argument. It's another day I'm reluctant to let go of and get in bed. And there is a small win, 3 bags of breast for a day when Micah can handle the cow's milk protein and this... a token from a regular day that I will look back as perfect and hopefully remember but be so happy in that moment that I won't long for these days...because they are some good days.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

it's been a long time...

okay, the newest version of me wants to start back writing. i can't call myself a writer because I don't write enough and I don't write because I don't have the time - but I want to have the time so I'm going to find. I'm so tired of being the person who is going to start being focused, but never gets it done. I desperately want to manage my time better so I can have time for all the things that are important to me. It has recently become important to me to do nothing - why? Because Noah needs to see me doing nothing so he has the freedom and courage to do nothing. My mom and I are slaves to whatever it is that keeps us from relaxing. I want to sit on the floor and make puzzles, I want to cook more with the kids and I want to sit on the couch and flip through a cooking magazine. I want to sit.

Today was a beautiful day because I did one thing, well two - church and the grocery store. Any maybe that's the trick - to do one thing a day and stop worrying about being everybody's friend and available to everyone. It was a great day because it seemed long and I got to really spend time with the kids and I got to sit through church, which I haven't done in what seems like a year. Isaiah and I went grocery shopping and it's those moments when I feel I'm totally available to him. Then I came home and Noah and I cooked. She peeled and cleaned the shrimp and I made a real dinner with fresh vegetables and herbs and we had time to bake cookies after - a dream day!!!