Risotto

Noah is a week away from being six. I feel like she just turned five, and I know that's what all us moms say. But it's true. The time is flying and I can't seem to stop it. The one way I've figured out a way to slow things down a bit is to cook with the kids - even if it takes me twice as long. I was reminded of this last week while Noah was on the computer looking at old videos of her as a baby. These videos are too hard for me to watch because I don't remember her that way and it stirs the fear that I won't remember her this way either and the way she is now is so wonderful I want to hold on to it - but I know the best we can hope for is for all of us to grown old. Anyway, I digress again about how life is too short. I can't help it, it's on my mind all the time. So back to last week hen Noah was watching a video of herself at 3 which is HALF the age she is now. She was washing the dishes or at least she thought she was. She was standing at the sink and pouring water from one cup to another and there were bubbles and she was pleased to be in the kitchen with me. Most nights when I cook she asks to help. Isaiah asks too and I'm usually in such a mad dash to get everyone fed so we can move on to the next thing which is baths that I say no and rush through it. But tonight I remembered how happy Noah was in the video washing the dishes so I asked for her help. I asked her to cut mushrooms. I needed them cut and cutting is something they both aspire to do. Mushrooms can be cut with a butter knife, safe enough for me. So there they stood, Noah on the stool, Isaiah on the Ikea child chair that's falling apart. They were both so proud of themselves. I was proud of me too. I was proud to be in the kitchen (one of my favorite places,) making Italian food with my favorite people. I was proud that I remembered what was important and choose it over the task at hand - cook and feed folks. I had to watch Isaiah who kept trying to eat the bacon - but that's nothing new. I have to remember to cook with them more often. I pray they remind me.

The Good LIfe

So today, Wednesday, is like all the other Wednesdays. It's the day that I promise myself I'll get to bed by 9pm. That the exhaustion that I've been fighting all day will sweep me off my feet and I won't have a choice but fall deeply asleep early enough to remain sane in all the night's disruptions. It's also the day that I"ll get the kids to bed by 7pm so that we'll have time for stories and prayers and songs and cuddles and kisses. It's the night I'll walk out of the kid's room at 7:15 and have two hours to have a conversation with Broderick and do this - write something about the day that will fade from my memory by the morning. It's the day Ms. Connie won't be up until 8:30 in the kitchen cleaning up our mess so I won't feel guilty or lazy. But it's not this day - it's a version of all the other days. It's a Wednesday. The kids have gymnastics and although I dream about having dinner ready before I leave for the stinky gym so that when we walk in the door at 6 a real meal will be hot and ready for us. Of all the dreaming and planning I do about how the day should flow, one would guess that I'd have it down - but I don't. The truth is that although it's not the day I plan for, it's the day I'm grateful for. It's another day with my family safe. It's another day where there's clean water and good food. It's another day with the helpful hands of Ms. Connie. It's another day in this beautiful house. It's another day without an argument. It's another day I'm reluctant to let go of and get in bed. And there is a small win, 3 bags of breast for a day when Micah can handle the cow's milk protein and this... a token from a regular day that I will look back as perfect and hopefully remember but be so happy in that moment that I won't long for these days...because they are some good days.

it's been a long time...

okay, the newest version of me wants to start back writing. i can't call myself a writer because I don't write enough and I don't write because I don't have the time - but I want to have the time so I'm going to find. I'm so tired of being the person who is going to start being focused, but never gets it done. I desperately want to manage my time better so I can have time for all the things that are important to me. It has recently become important to me to do nothing - why? Because Noah needs to see me doing nothing so he has the freedom and courage to do nothing. My mom and I are slaves to whatever it is that keeps us from relaxing. I want to sit on the floor and make puzzles, I want to cook more with the kids and I want to sit on the couch and flip through a cooking magazine. I want to sit.

Today was a beautiful day because I did one thing, well two - church and the grocery store. Any maybe that's the trick - to do one thing a day and stop worrying about being everybody's friend and available to everyone. It was a great day because it seemed long and I got to really spend time with the kids and I got to sit through church, which I haven't done in what seems like a year. Isaiah and I went grocery shopping and it's those moments when I feel I'm totally available to him. Then I came home and Noah and I cooked. She peeled and cleaned the shrimp and I made a real dinner with fresh vegetables and herbs and we had time to bake cookies after - a dream day!!!

Vaccines & Daddy Luv

Today the kids went to their 3 and 5 year pediatric appointments. I told Noah a little before lunch and she was excited. She then got Isaiah excited and I could NOT control them during their visit. Noah wanted to touch and try everything and Isaiah was excited to jump up and down on the examination table and look at himself in the mirror. Now, Noah has been vaccinated, well..sort of. She has had a total of three shots her entire life. She is way behind for what is recommended for kindergarten. It's something where I am completely on the fence. Well, maybe not completely. I lean much more towards not vaccinating at all - which has been my policy until recently. Isaiah is now 3 and I feel he is out of the danger zone. He can talk to me about what he's feeling and I'm more confident that he will not have a reaction. I pray I am right. Well they both had to get a shot today and I expected it to be awful and thought I might shed a few tears too. Noah broke down completely and cried for some time after. Isaiah on the other hand didn't seemed phased and was more concerned with his bandaid. Noah sat in the back seat of the car with a tear stained face and seemed so unhappy. So we decided to call daddy and let him know about her heartache and when he said hello to her - her face lit up. She was soon giggling and forgot all about her two shots.

Big kids now!

How and when did they turn three and five?! It's an amazing time where I can take them on an airplane and not have a nervous breakdown. We flew a few weeks ago and are now getting ready to fly again. Thankfully we have 2 DVDs players and they're old enough where they will sit and watch movies the whole flight. On the last flight Isaiah sat with me and he's usually more difficult, but as the plane took off Isaiah started getting a fever. I asked the woman behind me if she had any Motrin or Advil and she did. And then he passed out and I read, and napped, and watched The Last Station and then cried. Noah sat with Broderick and flew asleep on cue as the plane landed. Right now the kids are about to take a walk with their babies. Ms. Martha is taking them out. They are fighting over the stroller and the more stuff (pillows and blankets) that Noah gets, the more stuff Isaiah will simply die without. Isaiah has been saying "I don't want____" about every five minutes. He also announces whenever he smells something, anything. Noah is practically a teenager and mostly wants to play learning games on the computer and play with her hair.

How to Train Your Dragon

On Sunday we got up and made breakfast. No matter what I'm cooking Noah asks to help, and if Noah asks to help then it follows that Isaiah will ask. Sometimes they don't even ask. Noah grabs the stool of of the bathroom which is smaller and easy to handle. Since Isaiah follows Noah's lead he gets stuck with the bigger stool by the front door. It takes all his strength to move the two step stool into the kitchen. Most times I'm so worried he's going to trip or drop it on his fat, little square foot that I carry it the rest of the way. They both have to wash their hands which they do with only one asking, because they love cooking. They put on their aprons and if I'm not wearing mine, Noah bugs me until I put it on. Isaiah usually gets a bowl with a whisk and some flour or rice in it to mix and he will mix until you drag him from it. This Sunday we were making a breakfast pie. I've discovered the delicious beauty of pie crust and make a lot of vegetable pie. Since we are decorating hollowed out eggs on Wednesday night I had to carefully break the top part of the egg off and slowly let it drizzle out. Noah whisked the eggs and broke up a piece of sliced cheese into bits. She washed the asparagus and hung out with me until the pie was ready to go in the oven. Broderick claimed it was his favorite of my breakfast pies. It contained eggs, cheese (of course,) garlic (of course, of course,) greens and onions, of and halved cherry tomatoes around the edges for even more color. And he was right, it was delicious. After I out the pie int he oven I hustled to get the kids dressed for Alastair's birthday party. While I was int he shower Isaiah and Noah started wrestling, which was sweet and loving BUT, he started wheezing which meant he had to sit with his "breathing machine" which made us 30 minutes late for the party. We were already 30 minutes late because I can't manage time and always HAVE to do something at the last minute. The kids had a blast at the party and ate vegan cupcakes, jumped on the bouncy, snuck and ate cookies, and played with their friends. it was incredibly hot and Isaiah's little cheeks with flush and he took his shoes and socks off because "I'm hot!" We stayed an hour longer than the evite suggested and stopped at The Farmer's Market on the way home to pick up some produce. This farmer's market is one of the best things to happen to our neighborhood. I'm thrilled there is fresh organic produce every Sunday a stone's throw from my front door. Isaiah fell asleep in the 2 minutes it took to get home and Noah had to be threatened before she finally conceded to sleep which just made he sleep later than I wanted. When they woke up we had a quick dinner of my dad's frozen beef stew. Noah decorated the bags for the home made popcorn which Broderick didn't eat. Isaiah just walked into my bedroom at 10pm and said looked worried because, "I can't find Noah." She was asleep at the end of her bed tucked in pink heart pillows and a soft pink blanket from grandma Pam. I have to convert Isaiah's crib into a toddler bed. I HAVE TO DO IT!! Anyway Broderick and I took the kids to see "How to Train Your Dragon." If anyone has ever wondered who all that outdoor advertising is for - it's for my kids. They know all the movies. Not because they watch TV (which they hardly do,) but because they are suckers for a billboard. Anyway they were as cute as two children could be. We all help hands as we walked in and it make me so happy to be a part of our family. I'm happy a lot, but I was also proud. Everyone was happy and excited and just so darn cute. They both talked throughout the entire movie - but I didn't mind because I know they cant help it, they're my kids and we love to talk and too because they were so excited to share what they were seeing and thinking. Noah thanked her daddy a bunch and just kept saying "Whoever made that movie is an awesome movie maker." She was very proud to have come up with this on her own. We'll see if she remembers that they are called "producers." While they were getting ready for bed, they each took a phone and put it on speaker and recounted every detail and most of the lines from the movie to my mom, John and Jessica. It was one of those moments I hope to etch in my mind and heart forever. It was a perfect time with them.

Depressing

It's depressing how fast time is zooming by me, and I guess the rest of us too. It's picking up speed each day I add to my life. it seems as if the distance between minutes, hours, weeks and the rest of it are closing in. It's depressing to me that I feel like I just got settled from Christmas and it's Easter, about to be summer. Everything I do is an effort to be more in the moment. All the scheduling, the managing of Ms. Martha's time and energy, the persistent pleas for family to visit is all about cherishing these precious times. I can't tell if I'm living in fear or in consciousness. I can't tell if the awareness that we are all dangling on strings and it's all just a blink is either good for me or detrimental to my peace of mind. This awareness forces me to let go of the petty small stuff and remember some book of rules for life that had two rules; #1. Don't sweat the small stuff. #2 It's all small stuff. So on one hand it's good, but on the other hand I'm sick with worry that I'm not being in the moment enough. I do feel distracted less since this crisis of faith or rather, that the inevitable just dawned on me. It inspired me to see Yellowstone, well that and something the yoga teacher, Clio said. She explained how time seems to be speeding up as we age and that some scientists have researched this and discovered our perception of time is really just the brain's way of recording new information. So when we are encountering something for the first time, the brain slows down to record all the shiny, new details - but by 35 or 40, we are in auto-pilot and our brains have seen everything we do everyday - there's no new information to record. So I thought then, that I need to go someplace new. And I thought about how the kids need space to run around and fresh air, and how I'd love to have a picnic every day on this vacation and just sit in beauty and talk to my family am watch the kids look at beauty. I'm trying to slow down time. I'm trying to go to bed earlier so I'm not a zombie. I'm trying to record these experiences with pictures and this blog is to document the regular stuff we do everyday, because I know someday soon that this moment too will be ancient history. I love life, and I love this life so much - it's just depressing it's going so fast. I am thankful for every moment and pray (more like beg God, for long lives for everyone I love - which is about everyone and that we are healthy and happy and in peace.


This picture was taken yesterday when Broderick caved in and took the family to a nursery and we bought trees for our back yard. Isaiah is a funny critter and Noah is clever and strong.