Noah's reading...

She's been reading for a while now. But these days, she's really reading. I wonder what she'll be. I wonder what she'll struggle with in school. I wonder what will be her favorite subject. I think mine was math - but I can't really remember. It probably had more to do with a good teacher than anything else. I wonder if she'll really go to The City School. For now she enjoys telling people what to do. She enjoys holding, burping, and picking at Micah. Micah's crying so I'm done for tonight. Glad to have had the few moments and catch the magic.

Risotto

Noah is a week away from being six. I feel like she just turned five, and I know that's what all us moms say. But it's true. The time is flying and I can't seem to stop it. The one way I've figured out a way to slow things down a bit is to cook with the kids - even if it takes me twice as long. I was reminded of this last week while Noah was on the computer looking at old videos of her as a baby. These videos are too hard for me to watch because I don't remember her that way and it stirs the fear that I won't remember her this way either and the way she is now is so wonderful I want to hold on to it - but I know the best we can hope for is for all of us to grown old. Anyway, I digress again about how life is too short. I can't help it, it's on my mind all the time. So back to last week hen Noah was watching a video of herself at 3 which is HALF the age she is now. She was washing the dishes or at least she thought she was. She was standing at the sink and pouring water from one cup to another and there were bubbles and she was pleased to be in the kitchen with me. Most nights when I cook she asks to help. Isaiah asks too and I'm usually in such a mad dash to get everyone fed so we can move on to the next thing which is baths that I say no and rush through it. But tonight I remembered how happy Noah was in the video washing the dishes so I asked for her help. I asked her to cut mushrooms. I needed them cut and cutting is something they both aspire to do. Mushrooms can be cut with a butter knife, safe enough for me. So there they stood, Noah on the stool, Isaiah on the Ikea child chair that's falling apart. They were both so proud of themselves. I was proud of me too. I was proud to be in the kitchen (one of my favorite places,) making Italian food with my favorite people. I was proud that I remembered what was important and choose it over the task at hand - cook and feed folks. I had to watch Isaiah who kept trying to eat the bacon - but that's nothing new. I have to remember to cook with them more often. I pray they remind me.

The Good LIfe

So today, Wednesday, is like all the other Wednesdays. It's the day that I promise myself I'll get to bed by 9pm. That the exhaustion that I've been fighting all day will sweep me off my feet and I won't have a choice but fall deeply asleep early enough to remain sane in all the night's disruptions. It's also the day that I"ll get the kids to bed by 7pm so that we'll have time for stories and prayers and songs and cuddles and kisses. It's the night I'll walk out of the kid's room at 7:15 and have two hours to have a conversation with Broderick and do this - write something about the day that will fade from my memory by the morning. It's the day Ms. Connie won't be up until 8:30 in the kitchen cleaning up our mess so I won't feel guilty or lazy. But it's not this day - it's a version of all the other days. It's a Wednesday. The kids have gymnastics and although I dream about having dinner ready before I leave for the stinky gym so that when we walk in the door at 6 a real meal will be hot and ready for us. Of all the dreaming and planning I do about how the day should flow, one would guess that I'd have it down - but I don't. The truth is that although it's not the day I plan for, it's the day I'm grateful for. It's another day with my family safe. It's another day where there's clean water and good food. It's another day with the helpful hands of Ms. Connie. It's another day in this beautiful house. It's another day without an argument. It's another day I'm reluctant to let go of and get in bed. And there is a small win, 3 bags of breast for a day when Micah can handle the cow's milk protein and this... a token from a regular day that I will look back as perfect and hopefully remember but be so happy in that moment that I won't long for these days...because they are some good days.

it's been a long time...

okay, the newest version of me wants to start back writing. i can't call myself a writer because I don't write enough and I don't write because I don't have the time - but I want to have the time so I'm going to find. I'm so tired of being the person who is going to start being focused, but never gets it done. I desperately want to manage my time better so I can have time for all the things that are important to me. It has recently become important to me to do nothing - why? Because Noah needs to see me doing nothing so he has the freedom and courage to do nothing. My mom and I are slaves to whatever it is that keeps us from relaxing. I want to sit on the floor and make puzzles, I want to cook more with the kids and I want to sit on the couch and flip through a cooking magazine. I want to sit.

Today was a beautiful day because I did one thing, well two - church and the grocery store. Any maybe that's the trick - to do one thing a day and stop worrying about being everybody's friend and available to everyone. It was a great day because it seemed long and I got to really spend time with the kids and I got to sit through church, which I haven't done in what seems like a year. Isaiah and I went grocery shopping and it's those moments when I feel I'm totally available to him. Then I came home and Noah and I cooked. She peeled and cleaned the shrimp and I made a real dinner with fresh vegetables and herbs and we had time to bake cookies after - a dream day!!!