I could...

I could sit at this desk all night and try and capture and hold on the moments with my kids. I wish I could write more of it down, mostly because I think I'm in one of the most amazing times of my life and I want to be able to look back when they're on their own and remember all the little stuff. I really love the little stuff.

Happy Halloween

It's hard to believe, when I look at these pictures, that it's been a year since the afternoon we visited Mr. Bones. And that in about a month we'll be going again, except the kids will so much more grown than the last time. Noah says she wants to be a dragon this year and Isaiah (who I almost called Jonathan) wants to be a bumble bee again. We looked through a catelog of costumes and Isaiah wasn't interested and just kept asking to be a bee regardless of the book. Noah looked through the book and thought it over - so like the two of them. I know contimplation is an age thing, but Noah weighs decesions more heavily than Isaiah. Isaiah goes with the flow and Noah tries to control the flow.

Fair

I was thinking about how every time I post a picture of Isaiah or Noah, I immediately go back into my file and look for a shot of the other one. I think it has to do with having a trio of siblings who accused my mom of not being fair. I really try to be fair with my kids. And I see now that my mom didn't have a favorite. I mean she sort of does, even more now that than. She has this special thing for my brother. She never complains about something he's done like she does about me to my sister or to my sister about me. And she worries about him more. But I know now because I'm finally a real adult in the same situation that she never has or never can love one of us more than the other. She might find one of us easier in certain circumstances, but she loves us all the same. The funny thing is that I'm having this thought about "fair" and I realize one of the pictures I just choose was from the fair. Ha.

The difference between

The difference between being a mom and being a free woman is that when you hear of some awful atrocity that has happened you, as a mom, instantly imagine your child in that situation. As a free woman each happening on the nightly news doesn’t keep you up at night with anxiety. And no matter how many times I, as mom, read or remember to let worry go and that it does nothing but put in you in a sate of fear, I still have anxiety. I know this fear isn’t going to stop anything that is meant to happen, but it’s there all the same. And each decision I make regarding my children feels more weighted. When my daughter asks me to do something I pause for a moment before I consider if what she’s asking for is appropriate and I access the safety of where she’ll be, who she’ll be with and what could happen… worst case scenario. I often feel like I’m crazy because I worry about them all the time. And honestly it might not be all worry; I think a big part of parenting is the weight we carry around because we have such enormous responsibility. I am not only responsible for the nourishment, hygiene, and comfort of another person; I am also responsible for what they become and how they see the world. I’m responsible for keeping them alive and keeping them on the path to a well-adjusted adult. It’s momentous. It’s amazing too. Tonight, as I was rubbing Noah’s back as she slept on the trundle for the first time because her little brother was sleeping in the bed for the first time I realized that I’m living one of the best times of my life. I really love being a mom, and I’m sad about how fast they are growing. I know, though that if it was going any slower I would be nuts. The beauty in the labor of child rearing is that it is incredibly fleeting. The precious moments seem to pass even faster. My happiness comes from realizing how cherish these regular moments of them climbing out of the bath tub for the first time without having to be held or told exactly what to do. Noah just climbed out when she was done with her bath and dried off. It’s when doing a mundane daily thing, you see that they’ve grown and who they were yesterday is lost in time. I know we all change everyday and grow, hopefully for the best, but in childhood our children loose a little innocence everyday in exchange for more independence. Isaiah asked me tonight, as I was rocking him to sleep (something I try to do as often as I can) if he could sleep in Noah’s bed. He didn’t really ask, he just told me he wanted to sleep in Noah’s bed. Noah is old enough now to ask for things as opposed to informing me of her desires. And when I walked in later to put Noah down, my stomach flopped when I saw the crib was empty. He’s older than Noah was when she climbed out of the crib, so I know he’s ready according to “what the books or our pediatrician would say” Honestly, I think I’m going to keep him in the crib for a while longer. I’m not sure if he’ll try to get up if he wakes up, so maybe he’s not completely ready. Maybe he's still my little baby.

The Doodles in August

She jumps, she swims...

and she sings. Noah does it all. She is a real little person with questions and ideas and very senstive feelings, but with the suborness of her daddy. We went to breakfast yesterday and she had pancakes. I asked her to eat like a lady and that she had to use her fork and hot her fingers (like every other mom with a four year old) and she looked me inthe eye and picked up a pancake piece and ate it. We took her panckaes away and told her she had to appologize if she wanted the rest of them. She wouldn't. She waited hours. It wasn't until she woke up from her nap that she was ready to appologize and when she did she asked for her pancake.

This picture is from last month at her swimming classes. She is offically a fish.

Making wishes

This was taken the weekend before last when we were in Dana Point for a wedding.

Top Ten Things I Love About My Kids This Week:

1. To listen to Noah sing and wonder how she learned all the words.
2. The way Isaiah asks for a hug if you've just given him a kiss, "A hug too."
3. The way Noah pretends to be a snow tiger and Isaiah pretends to be a bird (except when they lick me.) She crawls around and wants to be pet and he jumps on me and says, "Chrip, Chirp" and pretends to eat bird seed.
4. When Isaiah thinks he sees nana's house and says, "My grandma is in there," and Noah informs him that he's wrong, "She's at home in Las Vegas."
5. To watch them swim. They're both so good at it and love it so much. Although I'm beat from all the catching and racing around the pool to hold and help them.
6. To see them sleeping when I check on them at 10pm, 11pm, and 6am - like a stalker.
7. When Isaiah says out of the blue, "I love you too."
8. When Noah tells me my dress or hair is beautiful. She told me the other day I had hair like Ariel from The Little Mermaid.
9. To see them sitting on the couch with their daddy watching Noggin or Sunday Morning Politics.
10. To hear them have full on conversations in the back of the car or in their bedroom at night.

Golly, gee I love the heck out of them!